Modern Orthodox Singles

DisHarmony

2010-11-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

ב"ה

I'm a sucker for a free way to meet men. There aren't a lot of singles events in places (or at times) that I can get to them, so I don't have many ways of meeting men. My synagogue isn't a hotbed for singles (most of the singles there are my nieces' ages as in "Orthodox Singles: The Next Generation"). And the singles who are male and my age already know me and one or the other of us has nixed any pursuing of a relationship. So on line dating (such as it is) is my only outlet for meeting new people of the opposite gender.

So whenever eHarmony has one of its "free communications weekends" or "free communications events" such as they are having right now, I always go and look at what's there.

Now eHarmony is a bit different from most of the singles dating sites one might have experienced in the course of one's travels though the travails of single-hood (and my hood is longer than most, being that I'm in the category of "never married" and have younger siblings who are taking pictures of their grandchildren). On most of the sites, you sign up, answer a bunch of questions (some short answer and some essay, just like most history tests in High School) and then you search on certain qualities you want (like height, weight, religious level, etc.) and you get a bunch of profiles (some with pictures, some without).

On eHarmony, though, you fill out the forms, answer the requisite questions, and, based on how you answer, they set you up with profiles.

Since eHarmony isn't a specifically Jewish site, you have to state that you only want Jewish people. Mind you, this hasn't made it any more difficult for me to find profiles to contact. But having them contact me back, that's another story.

Just like JDate, which I was a member of for 2 months, during which time I contacted over 70 men, I have yet to actually meet a human being in person from eHarmony.

For my money (which is nothing), I have found that Jewish Cafe (which gives me free time from time to time) and Supertova (which is free all the time for everything), though Supertova hasn't been around long enough for me to judge -- I haven't met anyone there, either, but since it's new and always free, it's worth is. I have met people that I connected with through Jewish Cafe.

Check out my other blogs:

Israel and it's Place in the World
Jewish Singles
Strong Jewish Women

Check out some of my squidoo lenses (articles):

Strong Biblical Women
Strong Biblical Women 2
Why Be Vegetarian
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 2
Why be Vegetarian?
Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Hanuka
About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Math Hints 1 -- Adding Fractions
Presidents1: George Washington

2008-12-13T18:34:00.001-08:00

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Hagim u'Zmanim l'Sason?

2008-10-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

B"H

Another Holiday season has finished (barely) and I'm feeling lonely. I'm not saying I feel alone. But there's something about the holidays that remind me how much I miss my nieces and nephews (not to mention my siblings) and how much I wish I had a husband and children. I look around the shul, esnoga, beit knesset whatever you want to call it, and I see children playing together. And then I see their mothers talking to each other. I see people going to the homes of their friends for lunch or supper and I notice that many of them are going to the families of the friends of their children.

So how are single people supposed to connect? I have no children. I have no husband. I never have. So I don't have friends through my children and I don't have friends through my husband. I can only depend on my own sparkling wit to attract potential friends. But when push comes to shove, no matter how nice I am to their children, no matter how many time I sing to them when their parents are changing their diaper, no matter how often they see me at kiddush, no matter how "there" I am, I'm not the one who they ask over for a meal (and I'm an easy guest -- because of my restrictive diet I bring my own food). When my parents are away, I sometimes get pity invitations (or I invite myself to certain friends) but that's generally about it.

And with my nieces and nephews thousands of miles away, I feel disconnected. I used to spend most holidays at least partially with them. But now they don't live here and I'm left feeling empty and lonely.

Check out my squidoo lenses (articles):
Strong Biblical Women
Strong Biblical Women 2
Why Be Vegetarian
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 2
Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Strong Biblical Women Part 3
Hanuka
About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Presidential Trivia Quiz
Christmas and the Jewish Single
Math Hints 1 -- Adding Fractions
Presidents1: George Washington
Passover: Holiday of Freedom
Ruth and Naomi
John and John Quincy Adams
Television Trivia Quiz
Why I'm a Red Sox Fan

Check out my other blogs:

Israel and it's Place in the World
Jewish Singles
Strong Jewish Women

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Sex and the Shtetl

2008-02-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

B"H

I was watching Sex and the City as I often do and the question of soul mates came up as in "do you believe that everyone has only one soul mate?"

I honestly can't tell you how I feel about that question. I do know that what to me seems more important is making sure that I'm comfortable with myself.

Probably the closest thing I have to a soul mate is my best friend. It took me years to finally find someone who was my best friend in more than just words. I almost always had someone I called my best friend, but I would find out that I wasn't her/his best friend.

But for the past 7 or so years, I have had a best friend, someone who also considers me her best friend. Even though we live in different parts of the country (we didn't meet each other in person until we'd known each other for about a year or so), we are never far away, thanks to the internet and telephones. And, though I've never been able to get to her house and visit her, she (and often her family) manages to get to my "neck of the woods" about an average of once a year.

I guess if I can find a best friend I suppose the soul mate is out there somewhere. I'm just not sure why we haven't met yet.....

Check out my other blogs:

Israel and it's Place in the World
Strong Jewish Women

Check out my artistic merchandise:

Wearable Art
Strong Jewish Women

Check out my squidoo lenses (articles):

Strong Biblical Women
Strong Biblical Women 2
Why Be Vegetarian
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 2
Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Strong Biblical Women Part 3
Hanuka
About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Presidential Trivia Quiz
Christmas and the Jewish Single
Math Hints 1 -- Adding Fractions
Presidents1: George Washington

Some thoughts about weddings

2008-01-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

B"H

My niece got married last night. She's very young (18), as is her Hattan (groom/husband), and they've been together for a few years and they already seem like a young version of an old married couple (in the good way) -- you, know the type? They never do anything without consulting each other and "stuff" like that.

My niece, who is a beautiful young woman, never looked more beautiful. If I were the crying type, I'd have been bawling (one of my friends, whose daughter has been close friends with my niece since 1st grade, asked me how I could not be crying and I told her I just wasn't the crying type (actually, strangely enough, I cry more over movies and TV shows than I do over real life -- I'm not quite sure why).

I adore my niece (as I do all my nieces and nephews -- they are the light of my life) and, despite a few things that bothered me (like the photographer just wouldn't move out of my way at the Huppa), I had a very nice time at the wedding.

But this whole experience has made me a bit introspective. Here I am at an age which is traditionally one of beginning the empty nest or marrying off children or welcoming new grandchildren, and I'm still single. I look at my beautiful niece and I see her hope for the future, her new husband, who is a perfect fit, KI"H, for her. And then I think of the contrast of my life and I can't help but think that, despite all the comments of "Oh, she's too young!" that my niece and my new nephew-in-law have the right idea.

Getting married young, while it often doesn't work out, helps those involved side step the issues of older newlyweds, the issues of being set in one's ways, the issues of dealing with major lifestyle differences. Younger people have less invested in their current lifestyle and, therefore, have less to lose. It's easier to compromise when your life is a clean slate.

There may be someone out there for me, but it's getting harder and harder to find someone who I:
1) click with
2) am attracted to
3) am willing to at least explore the possibilities of a future together

(and vice versa). I've had a few near misses in the past (a couple in the recent past). I'm not sure if each of these near misses makes me feel I'm likely to find someone or that I'm unlikely to find someone.

My best friend reminded me after one of the more recent fiascoes that this relationship came on suddenly and grew quickly (but then crashed and burned horribly quickly too). She said that just days before meeting this gentleman I had no thoughts of anything like that happening and that it could happen just as quickly and just as suddenly again (and, perhaps, actually work out for once in my life).

I don't know how many of you have read What Color is your Parachute?, a book about finding the perfect job/career. I didn't read the entire book, but I got one big thing out of it -- a job search, the author said, is a whole series of nos followed by one YES! and that YES! is worth all the nos.

I guess one's search for one's bashert is that same thing........

Check out my squidoo lenses (articles):
Strong Biblical Women
Strong Biblical Women 2
Why Be Vegetarian
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 2
Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Strong Biblical Women Part 3
Hanuka About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Christmas and the Jewish Single

Check out my other blogs:

Israel and it's Place in the World
Jewish Sandwich
Strong Jewish Women

Check out my Strong Jewish Women and Wearable Art Merchandise

Where are all the TV Men???

2007-12-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

B"H

Last night, I was watching Brothers and Sisters, a program I generally enjoy despite its somewhat "soapy" nature. The episode featured Kitty (Calista Flockhart)'s wedding to Senator (and Presidential Candidate) Robert McCallister (Rob Lowe). They are standing up in front of the minister (priest???) and Kitty takes the Senator aside. She then confesses to him that she (as part of her job on his staff) and her brother Kevin (who is a lawyer) bribed someone to not reveal information about McCallister's military service.

Despite this, the Senator looks at his soon-to-be-wife and says something so romantic that I'm sure every woman watching gave a collective "aw!".

In my brain, I added this to all the "aw!" moments from other shows and added Senator Robert McCallister to the ever growing list of men who exist only on TV (I've yet to meet a man who treated me that way!):

Kevin Kinkirk on 7th Heaven
Luke Danes on Gilmore Girls
Gil Grissom on CSI
Mac Taylor on CSI:New York
Danny Messer on CSI:New York

Kevin Kinkirk is top of the list. He put up with a lot from his wife, Lucy Camden. He dealt with her insecurities and her suspicions. He even quit his job (to be at home with their daughter) so she could pursue hers.

Not everyone on TV is like this, I'll admit. For every Matt Camden (7th Heaven), there's a "Mr. Big" (Sex and the City), who broke up his marriage by having an affair. For every Jerry "Smith" Jared (Sex and the City), there's a Dr. Richard Webber (Gray's Anatomy), who had a long affair with his co-worker, Dr. Ellis Gray.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not tossing out a group of regular guys who might make good husbands (there's not exactly a well-worn path to my door with male footprints). And I would be happy just to find someone who would make a good husband (and who is interested in me). But watching these perfect men on TV does make me a bit sadder than just the simple loneliness of being over 35 and never married. It makes me wonder what is so marvelous about these women that they manage to find men who are ultra-dedicated without being scarily controlling? And it makes me wonder what is so horrible about me that I can't even find the normally dedicated?

Love is a Man's world

2007-11-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

B"H

I have noticed over the years that for men, the pool available to them love wise is like a pyramid. For women, however, it is an inverted pyramid.

For those of you who don't understand what I mean by this, as men get older, there are more available women whereas for women, as we get older, there are fewer men available.

Why is this? There are several things that contribute to this. But the main two reasons for the pyramid phenomenon are disproportionate number of male deaths at each age level vs. female deaths and the disproportionate number of older men marrying younger women vs. older women marrying younger men.

When I was younger, I initially went with the flow, so to speak, looking for men who were older than I. When I was 20 or 21, I went out with someone who was 32. But over the years, I have found that while I may go out once or twice with a man who is older than I, but the men I end up having longer relationships with (this I define as more than two dates) are generally younger (the last two are 8 years younger than I).

The problem, of course, is that once a woman gets past a certain age, she is in that age range that men avoid like the plague -- she's in the dead biological clock zone (cue theme song from a certain 60s sci-fi program -- di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di.... cue blood-curdling scream). And, once you enter that zone, men who are up to 10 years older than you consider you "too old".

The weirdest thing is that this happens even with men who already have children and men who claim they don't want children anymore. For some bizarre reason men have these "rules" in their heads and, for the most part, they have decided that men should be older, taller, smarter, stronger..... but the woman should be better looking. Those are the rules. And most men cling to these rules no matter what.

I have actually met a few men for whom this isn't true. But, for the most part, the men I run across are slaves to these rules. And this is a shame because they don't know what they're missing.

Men, for the most part, have this need to procreate, but often have no matching need to help with the raising. Despite advances in feminism, women still perform the bulk of the parenting jobs but it's the men who need to have children. But for some reason, unless they happen to marry and then find out that they can't have children, they won't even consider adoption. There are many children out there who are already born and who need loving parents and a stable home. Being a parent to these children is a mitzva. But most men use children as a means of attaining some level of immortality, not as a way to follow Hashem's example of giving love. Raising the children who really need love is more Hashem-like, in my humble opinion. And it would be nice if there were more single men willing to give love to these children. And it would be really nice if there were more single men who would see women as more than just incubators.

Men as friends vs Men as Potential Mates

2007-11-06T16:13:00.001-08:00

B"H

I've been a tomboy all my life. When I was in first grade, we moved and I started a new school. When I entered the classroom for the first time, the 3 boys and 3 girls in the class asked me if I wanted to be in the "girls' group" or the "boys' group" and I answered without hesitation "boys' group". We used to make paper airplanes. We also played punch ball (a playground variation of baseball played with a pink rubber ball).

I did sometimes play with the other girls (I really liked jumping rope and wish I still had the stamina to jump rope like I did when I was 6). But for the most part, I played with boys (including my brother).

I've always been a baseball fan, well, at least since I was about 7 years old and went to my first baseball game, a father's day bat day double header (I got sick the next day -- I spent 15 or so innings in "standing room only" areas and finally got a seat in the 7th inning of the second game). Somewhere in my pre-teens, I got interested in Football when one of the local channels started showing Canadian Football (I'm a big fan of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats). Eventually, I got "into" NFL Football (I still love CFL football, but I don't get to see it too often).

I also love learning Gemara. Most of the time when I learn Gemara, I'm the only woman in the class.

I also sing with a community choir. Just in case you haven't discovered a pattern here by now, the voice I sing with is Tenor. When I first started singing in a choir, I was one of 3 or 4 women in the Tenor section. When I started with this choir, I was one of 3 women in the Tenor section. Right now, I'm the only women in the Tenor section.

So, as you might have gleaned, I spend a lot of time with men. And, I get along quite well with men, too. Most of the time......

Of course, I get along with men quite nicely until the subject turns to romance. It's almost as though I suddenly have "cooties". Suddenly, I can't seem to understand men and they don't understand me.

It's funny, actually, ironic funny that is. Men will come over and talk to me, tell me I'm interesting, attractive, intelligent, all sorts of nice things. But the second I express any interest in them, BAM! Suddenly, they have an appointment, or I misunderstood, they only want to be friends.

So I'm waiting for someone to give me a road map to the male brain. I guess I'm only invited into the non-romance, non-marriage part of the male brain. I guess men aren't capable of being friends and "more than friends", so to speak. I guess when you live in a world where sex is at least supposed to not be part of the pre-marital experience, friends are compartmentalized separately from potential lovers.

So where does that leave me? I guess out in the cold, romance wise. Men don't seem to be interested in a relationship with me. Men see me in that same compartment where they put other men. And that, apparently, is where I will stay.

Singles "rituals"

2007-10-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

B"H

If you're an Orthodox Jewish Single, you have probably participated in that rite of passage known as the "Singles Shabbaton". Now, most of us who grew up Orthodox participated in a Shabbaton when they were teenagers or pre-teens. As a teenager or pre-teen, a Shabbaton is an excuse to get away from home (and your annoying kid siblings) for Shabbat. It gives you an excuse to "hang" with your friends. And it gives you a parent sanctioned platform for meeting members of the opposite gender.

As an adult, the excuse to get away part falls out (hey, at a certain point in our lives get away from home is either something we do regularly or something we'd rather not have to do), hanging with our friends sort of falls out (because either our friends are married and won't be to this ritual or we see them often enough without the Shabbaton or both). That leaves you with a community sanctioned platform for meeting member of the opposite gender.

Well, this is the point of the Shabbaton. But it often doesn't work out that way.

What happens at these Shabbatons, at least the ones I've been to, is that a large number of attractive women show up followed by a small number of men, most of whom are not anywhere near as attractive as the average woman. So women like me (that is hardly ravishing beauties, but not all that unattractive) have an awful lot of competition for the few pleasant looking gentlemen.

Lest you think I'm shallow (even though I am to some degree), it's not just that most of the men are unattractive, most of the men (particularly those who are unattractive) are uninteresting. My problem with this is generally that I can't stand silence. So when I talk to a man and he does the "short answer" bit (as in "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a molecular biologist" "Oh, that sounds interesting. What does that mean?" "I look at molecules......") So when I get the short answers too often, I start to fill in the gaps with anecdotes of my own (as in "oh, you look at molecules? That sounds interesting. I've always thought microscopes were interesting. That reminds me of college and my biology class...."). The only thing is, because the most interesting stories I have seem to generally make me sound good (like "the last time I was in NY was for my Jeopardy tryout. Boy, was that a humbling experience. Everyone there had passed the on-line Jeopardy test...." or "I guess one of the accomplishments I'm proudest of is that one of my tutoring students was valedictorian of the class") so it sounds like I'm one of those people who endlessly goes on and on and on about herself. And I'm not.

It's very hard to be yourself or put on a good front, a good picture (in a snapshot sort of way) of yourself. So you end up with a room of people who are sure they have a snapshot of you. But they don't any more than you have a snapshot of them.

But with me, I'm always willing to find out if perhaps someone who I find attractive (ok, so I am shallow ;-) -- isn't just as nervous in this artificial setting (under artificial lighting) as I am.

So here I am right now on the tail end of this ritual of American Jewish singlehood that anyone who has passed the third decade of life without finding "the one" must pass through. This past one wasn't so bad as these "rituals" go. First of all, this was one of the only times I actually saw some men I found attractive (that's men plural -- I can rarely recall even finding one such man at previous "rituals", but I digress). Second of all, I spoke with a few of them (though one of them spoke to just about every woman who was there and after our initial conversation blew me off -- which is a shame, since he was the best looking guy there and had a very interesting job from my perspective). And third of all, one or two (probably one) might actually get in touch with me in the future.

See the t-shirt design I wore at the Motzei Shabbat program:
Miriam t-shirt
http://www.cafepress.com/compugraphd2.90871207

Private information

2007-09-05T14:53:00.000-07:00

B"H

It seems that comments are being displayed immediately, without my input, so if you want to send me anything private (including information about yourself) please send it to my gmail account.

Thank you.

"The Management"

Writing singles articles

2007-09-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

B"H

A number of years ago, there came into being in the Central New Jersey area a new Jewish newspaper. And the L-rd said, "let there be articles".

Ok, well, maybe G-d didn't say that, but there was a new Jewish newspaper. And I started writing singles articles for this newspaper.

I don't get HBO, so I had to wait for a few years for "Sex and the City" to come to TBS. So a few years ago, I got to see an episode where Carry Bradshaw, who is single the entire run of the show, is asked to give a class at the "Learning Annex" on meeting men. During the first class, she loses most of the "audience" because they ask her if she's ever been married and decide that since she's never been married, she doesn't know any more about this topic than they do.

After writing articles about being single, I understood what she was going through. I was writing articles about meeting people even though I've never met someone who I ended up marrying. I was writing articles about living single even though I lived with my parents (and, therefore, didn't run into a lot of the issues I would if I were living alone).

So what made me qualified to write these articles? I don't know. All I know is that people generally liked them.

So, now that I've started a blog on this subject, maybe I'll go back to writing articles every now and then when the "spirit moves me".

Kol Tuv.

Debbie

Additional way to submit information

2007-08-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

B"H

If you don't want to submit your information to me through comments, I'm going to have my gmail account as a place where people can e-mail me information:

compugraphd@gmail.com

A new idea for meeting people

2007-08-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

B"H

I have lately become rather frustrated with the Orthodox dating scene. A number of years ago (was it 12??) I tried creating a group called "Eem B'Chirat Libam" -- with the choice of their hearts -- to try to fix people up. Since I didn't get a lot of applications, it didn't work out too well.

So I'm starting this blog. My idea is that maybe I'll meet someone for me, but also that I may find (or help) other people meet each other. I'm starting by writing the introductory blog entry and I hope that others will come and comment (I'll have this set up so that I look at the comments and I have to approve them to "go up" on the site, so if someone doesn't want their comment or profile information on the site, then they should tell me and I won't put it up, but I'll keep it in mind if I see someone who looks appropriate).

Now, as I did with Eem B'Chirat Libam, I'm not going to get too deeply into what people are looking for -- basically, I figure, gender, age group -- can be loose -- and hashkafa are the main things. Other things are for the people involved to decide. That's where e-mailing or phone conversations come in. And, because this is going to be free, it's "no-frills" as in we're all adults here (well, yes, you should be an adult to post here) and we all know that the best way to meet someone we don't know is to meet them in a public place.

So let's see how things go.

About me -- I'm very Liberal Modern Orthodox (some might call it Conservadox???) -- I wear pants, watch television, go to movies, learn Gemara, etc. but I am shomeret Shabbat (I keep Shabbat), Kashrut. I'm looking for someone in that hashkafa who is mid-40s to mid 50s.

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