The Jewish Wedding Demystified

ב"ה

I have seen a lot of TV weddings in my life. But very few of them are Jewish weddings.

It occurred to me that perhaps non-Jews are just as mystified by the customs of a Jewish wedding as I am by the customs of a non-Jewish wedding.

Disclaimer! The customs written about here are Ashkenazic (customs common to the Jewish communities originating from Northern and Eastern Europe). Sephardic (customs common to the Jewish communities originating in Spain and other Mediterranean countries) and Mizrahi (customs common to the Jewish communities originating in Asian and African countries) weddings would have some differences.

Leading up to the Wedding

Before the wedding, the couple separate for a time. The customs of the length of time vary from community to community. In some communities, the bride and groom don't see each other for a week before the wedding. In other communities, they don't see each other from the time the bride goes to the Mikva. Whatever the custom, there is a period of separation.

On the day of the wedding, Ashkenazic (pertaining to Jews from Germany and other Northern European countries) custom is that the bride and groom are experiencing a personal Yom Kippur (day of Atonement) so their sins are forgiven. This also means that they fast until the wedding. (Sephardic (pertaining to Jews from Spain and other Mediterranean areas) Jews do not have this custom).

Before the Ceremony

While there are several things that build up to the wedding day, the wedding day itself starts with the Kabbalat Panim (literally "receiving faces"). The bride and groom aren't permitted to see each other before the wedding (customs differ on the length of time, varying mostly from a day or two to a week). So the bride (Kalla) and groom (Hattan or Chosson) are in separate rooms at this point.

In the groom's room (called a tish -- table -- in Yiddish), the men sit around and speak words of Tora (The law as brought down from Moshe -- Moses -- to the people on Mount Sinai). They also finalize the Ketuba (the marriage contract) by having the last letter filled in and having witnesses sign it.

At modern weddings, the Tana'im (engagement or betrothal) is often done at the tish -- the Tana'im used to be done up to a year before the wedding, but because it's hard to break off an engagement when the Tana'im was done first, that step was added to the wedding.

The Bedecking

After the Tana'im, the men (and some musicians) dance with the groom into the bride's room where he pulls her veil over her face. The father of the bride gives her a blessing from Psalms (this is the blessing that father's give to their children every Friday night at the Shabbat (Sabbath) table). The groom puts the veil on to avoid what happened to Yaakov (Jacob the Patriarch) when his father-in-law substituted Lea for her younger sister, Rahael.

The Huppa (Wedding Canopy)

The Huppa (Wedding Canopy) represents the home the couple will build together. Under the Huppa the bride and groom finalize their nuptials. The Ketuba(wedding contract) is read and signed, the groom gives the bride a ring (the groom says "behold, you are sanctified to me with this ring according to the law of Moses" in Hebrew). The couple drink some wine (after a series ofbrakhot -- blessings) and then the groom breaks a glass to remind us that even in our greatest joy we are sad about the destruction of Jerusalem (2000 years ago).

The couple then go to the Yihud room (the room where they get to be alone). They then come into the reception area where they are swept away by family and friends and the first round of dancing takes over.

There is a lot of dancing and some weddings have "schtick" (for example, jugglers, fire eaters, baton twirlers, etc.).

Sheva Brakhot

At the end of the wedding (as under the Huppa) Sheva Brakhot (7 blessings) are said. These blessings are part of the Birkat HaMazon (Grace after Meals) said after the meal over a glass of wine. The glass of wine is passed around through the guests to 7 people the couple want to honor and each on says one of the Brakhot (blessings).

For the next 7 days (including the wedding night), Sheva Brakhot continue, usually at the homes of friends, who throw these parties for the new couple. In order to spread the joy of the wedding around, someone who wasn't at the weddings should be included in the guest list each night.

The Sheva Brakhot help ease the couple into their new life together. They are considered newlyweds for the next year.

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DisHarmony

ב"ה

I'm a sucker for a free way to meet men. There aren't a lot of singles events in places (or at times) that I can get to them, so I don't have many ways of meeting men. My synagogue isn't a hotbed for singles (most of the singles there are my nieces' ages as in "Orthodox Singles: The Next Generation"). And the singles who are male and my age already know me and one or the other of us has nixed any pursuing of a relationship. So on line dating (such as it is) is my only outlet for meeting new people of the opposite gender.

So whenever eHarmony has one of its "free communications weekends" or "free communications events" such as they are having right now, I always go and look at what's there.

Now eHarmony is a bit different from most of the singles dating sites one might have experienced in the course of one's travels though the travails of single-hood (and my hood is longer than most, being that I'm in the category of "never married" and have younger siblings who are taking pictures of their grandchildren). On most of the sites, you sign up, answer a bunch of questions (some short answer and some essay, just like most history tests in High School) and then you search on certain qualities you want (like height, weight, religious level, etc.) and you get a bunch of profiles (some with pictures, some without).

On eHarmony, though, you fill out the forms, answer the requisite questions, and, based on how you answer, they set you up with profiles.

Since eHarmony isn't a specifically Jewish site, you have to state that you only want Jewish people. Mind you, this hasn't made it any more difficult for me to find profiles to contact. But having them contact me back, that's another story.

Just like JDate, which I was a member of for 2 months, during which time I contacted over 70 men, I have yet to actually meet a human being in person from eHarmony.

For my money (which is nothing), I have found that Jewish Cafe (which gives me free time from time to time) and Supertova (which is free all the time for everything), though Supertova hasn't been around long enough for me to judge -- I haven't met anyone there, either, but since it's new and always free, it's worth is. I have met people that I connected with through Jewish Cafe.

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Hagim u'Zmanim l'Sason?

B"H

Another Holiday season has finished (barely) and I'm feeling lonely. I'm not saying I feel alone. But there's something about the holidays that remind me how much I miss my nieces and nephews (not to mention my siblings) and how much I wish I had a husband and children. I look around the shul, esnoga, beit knesset whatever you want to call it, and I see children playing together. And then I see their mothers talking to each other. I see people going to the homes of their friends for lunch or supper and I notice that many of them are going to the families of the friends of their children.

So how are single people supposed to connect? I have no children. I have no husband. I never have. So I don't have friends through my children and I don't have friends through my husband. I can only depend on my own sparkling wit to attract potential friends. But when push comes to shove, no matter how nice I am to their children, no matter how many time I sing to them when their parents are changing their diaper, no matter how often they see me at kiddush, no matter how "there" I am, I'm not the one who they ask over for a meal (and I'm an easy guest -- because of my restrictive diet I bring my own food). When my parents are away, I sometimes get pity invitations (or I invite myself to certain friends) but that's generally about it.

And with my nieces and nephews thousands of miles away, I feel disconnected. I used to spend most holidays at least partially with them. But now they don't live here and I'm left feeling empty and lonely.

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About the Jewish Calendar
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Sex and the Shtetl

B"H

I was watching Sex and the City as I often do and the question of soul mates came up as in "do you believe that everyone has only one soul mate?"

I honestly can't tell you how I feel about that question. I do know that what to me seems more important is making sure that I'm comfortable with myself.

Probably the closest thing I have to a soul mate is my best friend. It took me years to finally find someone who was my best friend in more than just words. I almost always had someone I called my best friend, but I would find out that I wasn't her/his best friend.

But for the past 7 or so years, I have had a best friend, someone who also considers me her best friend. Even though we live in different parts of the country (we didn't meet each other in person until we'd known each other for about a year or so), we are never far away, thanks to the internet and telephones. And, though I've never been able to get to her house and visit her, she (and often her family) manages to get to my "neck of the woods" about an average of once a year.

I guess if I can find a best friend I suppose the soul mate is out there somewhere. I'm just not sure why we haven't met yet.....

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Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
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Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Strong Biblical Women Part 3
Hanuka
About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Presidential Trivia Quiz
Christmas and the Jewish Single
Math Hints 1 -- Adding Fractions
Presidents1: George Washington

Some thoughts about weddings

B"H

My niece got married last night. She's very young (18), as is her Hattan (groom/husband), and they've been together for a few years and they already seem like a young version of an old married couple (in the good way) -- you, know the type? They never do anything without consulting each other and "stuff" like that.

My niece, who is a beautiful young woman, never looked more beautiful. If I were the crying type, I'd have been bawling (one of my friends, whose daughter has been close friends with my niece since 1st grade, asked me how I could not be crying and I told her I just wasn't the crying type (actually, strangely enough, I cry more over movies and TV shows than I do over real life -- I'm not quite sure why).

I adore my niece (as I do all my nieces and nephews -- they are the light of my life) and, despite a few things that bothered me (like the photographer just wouldn't move out of my way at the Huppa), I had a very nice time at the wedding.

But this whole experience has made me a bit introspective. Here I am at an age which is traditionally one of beginning the empty nest or marrying off children or welcoming new grandchildren, and I'm still single. I look at my beautiful niece and I see her hope for the future, her new husband, who is a perfect fit, KI"H, for her. And then I think of the contrast of my life and I can't help but think that, despite all the comments of "Oh, she's too young!" that my niece and my new nephew-in-law have the right idea.

Getting married young, while it often doesn't work out, helps those involved side step the issues of older newlyweds, the issues of being set in one's ways, the issues of dealing with major lifestyle differences. Younger people have less invested in their current lifestyle and, therefore, have less to lose. It's easier to compromise when your life is a clean slate.

There may be someone out there for me, but it's getting harder and harder to find someone who I:
1) click with
2) am attracted to
3) am willing to at least explore the possibilities of a future together

(and vice versa). I've had a few near misses in the past (a couple in the recent past). I'm not sure if each of these near misses makes me feel I'm likely to find someone or that I'm unlikely to find someone.

My best friend reminded me after one of the more recent fiascoes that this relationship came on suddenly and grew quickly (but then crashed and burned horribly quickly too). She said that just days before meeting this gentleman I had no thoughts of anything like that happening and that it could happen just as quickly and just as suddenly again (and, perhaps, actually work out for once in my life).

I don't know how many of you have read What Color is your Parachute?, a book about finding the perfect job/career. I didn't read the entire book, but I got one big thing out of it -- a job search, the author said, is a whole series of nos followed by one YES! and that YES! is worth all the nos.

I guess one's search for one's bashert is that same thing........

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Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
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Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Strong Biblical Women Part 3
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Where are all the TV Men???

B"H

Last night, I was watching Brothers and Sisters, a program I generally enjoy despite its somewhat "soapy" nature. The episode featured Kitty (Calista Flockhart)'s wedding to Senator (and Presidential Candidate) Robert McCallister (Rob Lowe). They are standing up in front of the minister (priest???) and Kitty takes the Senator aside. She then confesses to him that she (as part of her job on his staff) and her brother Kevin (who is a lawyer) bribed someone to not reveal information about McCallister's military service.

Despite this, the Senator looks at his soon-to-be-wife and says something so romantic that I'm sure every woman watching gave a collective "aw!".

In my brain, I added this to all the "aw!" moments from other shows and added Senator Robert McCallister to the ever growing list of men who exist only on TV (I've yet to meet a man who treated me that way!):

Kevin Kinkirk on 7th Heaven
Luke Danes on Gilmore Girls
Gil Grissom on CSI
Mac Taylor on CSI:New York
Danny Messer on CSI:New York

Kevin Kinkirk is top of the list. He put up with a lot from his wife, Lucy Camden. He dealt with her insecurities and her suspicions. He even quit his job (to be at home with their daughter) so she could pursue hers.

Not everyone on TV is like this, I'll admit. For every Matt Camden (7th Heaven), there's a "Mr. Big" (Sex and the City), who broke up his marriage by having an affair. For every Jerry "Smith" Jared (Sex and the City), there's a Dr. Richard Webber (Gray's Anatomy), who had a long affair with his co-worker, Dr. Ellis Gray.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not tossing out a group of regular guys who might make good husbands (there's not exactly a well-worn path to my door with male footprints). And I would be happy just to find someone who would make a good husband (and who is interested in me). But watching these perfect men on TV does make me a bit sadder than just the simple loneliness of being over 35 and never married. It makes me wonder what is so marvelous about these women that they manage to find men who are ultra-dedicated without being scarily controlling? And it makes me wonder what is so horrible about me that I can't even find the normally dedicated?